Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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