I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
