I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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