He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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