Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just found puke in my bra..
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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