Whatcha textin bout Willis?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
