He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize