My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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