I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
