Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
