oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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