I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i drank out of a bidet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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