I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
