I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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