: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize