Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
