Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
