It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
