Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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