i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
