its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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