Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
