yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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