If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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