i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
