Sry I called you an 8
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
