it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
