I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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