Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize