Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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