piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
