My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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