She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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