So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
