Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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