the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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