God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
