he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
