omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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