You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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