I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
