I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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