Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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