Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
