I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
