I'm gonna have a badass scar
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The best revenge is premature balding
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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