and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
