my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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