if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
