i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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