I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
