the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
