When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't deserve a penis
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
