Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
