I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
