All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I want to make a zoo with you.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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