After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my being single is dangerous.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
