After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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