who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
