Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
