Jerry, you need to find god
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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